Condo fell through but my arms are getting hard!

So, my beloved Hill condo fell through. We don't have any more avenues to pursue it, so we withdrew our offer. Very sad, as the place had two features I am unlikely to find anywhere else: a private entrance, and private outdoor space.

I do, however, have a lead on a Dupont condo that is:

*bigger
*cheaper
*two blocks from my office

So, we will see.

In other news, my arms are getting ROCK. HARD. from all these kettlebell drills. I love it!

I don't think it looks ugly

Dramatic maybe, but not ugly.

Fuck 'em.

Condo Update

I just wrote a post about my condo but blogger had a publishing error. I'm not going to retype it. I don't have the energy. Instead, I'm going to bed.

Sorry.

Stuck

I should work out but I don't really feel like it.

I should go to the grocery store but I don't really feel like it.

I should write the second part of my journal article but I don't really feel like it.

TV is boring me.

The internet is boring me.

I darkened the color of my hair and it looks ugly.

I am sad. For no apparent reason. :-(

Great Run

I squeezed in a run between massive thunderstorms today and was richly rewarded for my risk! I took a longer and more strenuous route than I had intended, but it paid off. Winding through the park, I saw a beautiful deer, munching on some grass about two feet off the trail. I didn't see her until I was almost past her, but she saw me - just looked and calmly turned her head to watch me go by.

I ventured off the paved trail to follow a hilly and rocky off-shoot called the Western Ridge Trail, which ended at Pierce Mill Park, where I was headed. No running there - it was hands-and-knees climbing up the ravine wall for the most part! But the further I got into the woods, the less I could hear the cars. Really, I could have been in the Shenandoahs for all I knew... it was so quite and serene back there.

I took the long way up the huge hills leading back up to Connecticut Ave, exploring the embassy-lined side streets behind the Levine School of Music.

By the time I got home my legs were shaking but solid, like long, slender tree trunks. I was perfectly spent and ready to be productive, which I have been this evening, attempting to turn a conference presentation into a somewhat-compelling journal article. Wish me luck.

We Lost

After a long and noble playoff session, the Red Wings' hopes for a repeat of the Stanley Cup victory last year are officially over. It was a great matchup and both teams faced formidable opponents in each other. I'm proud of my team and am looking forward to a new season in October.

Part of me is thankful for the end of the season. Playoffs make me miserable. I'm miserable when we're winning and miserable when we're losing. I get anxious. I drink. I get grumpy. Being a true fan is emotionally draining.

Plus, now I can revolt against RCN's completely unconscionable rate hike and cancel my cable. I plan to use hulu.com and Netflix Instant for my TV viewing. All I need is an antenna to make sure I can get the local channels for news. That is first on my list of things to take care of next week.

Rethinking Yoga

I have not been attending yoga classes lately. There are several reasons for this, and for a while I was struggling with it, but suddenly I feel at peace.

My methods of achieving health and fitness have been shifting lately. Last year I was running a lot and eating a highly-structured, robotic diet. I felt okay, but it was punishing, complex, and not very much fun. Over the past few months, however, I have begun to let running go by the wayside in preparation for taking the summer off. I've been lifting weights and eating a much lighter yet more relaxed diet.

My yoga practice was at it's peak during my times of running, but it wasn't really serving a purpose. I wasn't improving. I wasn't having fun. The system of Ashtanga is not the right system for my body type, but I had developed a history with the studio, it was conveniently located, and I was in the habit of attending classes there.

I have realized, however, that my main reasons for attending the studio involved my instructors. I like my instructors a lot. I want their approval; I want them to view me as a dedicated, focused student. And so for a while there I was attending practice mostly so I wouldn't be seen as a slacker.

But, yoga is not cheap. And because I'm trying to buy a condo, I've been trimming costs where I can, and the savings are adding up. I've also realized that I need to stop caring so much about how others view me. My dedication to yoga is not seen through how many classes I attend per week. And if I have instructors who see it that way, well, they're the ones missing the point.

I feel healthy and strong and happy with the decisions that I've made. Yoga IS for me. I feel great when I'm doing it and it's had a tremendous influence on my life and my health - spiritual and physical. The system of Ashtanga specifically, maybe not so much, but that's a minor detail.

Once I move and get settled, I'd like to find another studio, local to my new home, and begin formal practice again. In the mean time, I practice at home in a way that enhances my life. Because my life is mine, and the beauty is that no one but me has to live with my decisions.

Random Observations

In the metro this morning, a young boy wearing a yarmulke speaking Hebrew with his mom. His mom pulled out a diet pepsi and began drinking it. Then the boy pulled out a bottle of water and began drinking it. Then he pulled out a bottle of chocolate milk, drank some, and offered it to his mom, who drank some. How many beverages do two people need to take the train in DC?

I finally got around to changing my cats' litter this evening. They must have been desperate, because Natasha went to pee and Elena tried to crawl in there with her. That was a scramble of yowls and claws and litter going everywhere. Good times.

My knee randomly hurts for no reason. It could be that I had poor squat form yesterday while doing weighted kettlebell squats because I was fatigued from running.

Holding Pattern

I am in a holding pattern. My condo purchase is in a holding pattern, my social life is in a holding pattern. And it's okay.

I am digging a slower pace of life lately. The condo search is stressful and emotional and right now I don't know if I'll get the one I love (isn't that the story of life?) and I won't know anything until June 24th. So I wait.

I have been exhausted lately but after a rejuvenating trip to Michigan feel much better. Taking control of my social life has helped. This week I'm pretty much staying in except for a session in Virginia on Wednesday night. Other than that I'm holing up for the hockey playoffs and focusing on my health.

Weight lifting has treated me well. My body is getting stronger.

Gratuitous photo: kayaking on Walnut Lake with my mom over Memorial Day weekend.

I can't wait for playoffs to be over

Because they make me miserable. I have eight strokes per game. GAH. Just get it over with, people!

Also, I want to cancel my cable. RCN raised my bill by about $20/month because of new charges, and that is just the "promotional rate." What with hulu.com and all the isntant-watch options on Netflix, there is really no reason to subscribe to cable anymore. I'll be taking care of that as soon as the Wings win the Cup (again).

Mint

You could say that I dig being organized. It's one of my hobbies. I probably share this quality with other high-performing, perfectionistic, uber-controlled over-achievers. Well, lately I have really been digging mint.com in that it adds a new level of neurosis to my finances.

Mint.com is free and safe. It basically coordinates all of your savings, checking, credit, loan, and investment accounts and provides myriad ways to graph, categorize, and track your spending.

I recently signed up and am hooked. I can panic over how my recent, decadent meal at Wolfgang Puck's Source restaurant put my "food and dining" spending over the top while still feeling smug that I spend about one-fifth on food and dining that other people in Washington, DC do.

Yep, I can compare my spending, by category, to others in my demographic (or at least in my geographic sphere).

It's fun! And as someone who (hopefully) will be paying a mortgage soon, I think it's worth the extra level of detail. That, and I never miss an opportunity to over-analyze any and every aspect of my life.

Weekend in Michigan

It has been a great weekend! The weather has been absolutely perfect - sunny and cool. We went bike riding (14 miles!), kayaking (my poor abs are sore), we watched the Wings massacre the Blackhawks 6-1, we drank prosecco and ate home-grilled burgers on the patio, we drank martinis on the Clinton River. I napped, slept in, and went to bed early.

This morning we're going to run the West Bloomfield Nature Trail before heading to the airport, where I'll be home early enough to have a very leisurely evening.

Updates

I finally managed to secure a night to myself and it feels great. I've worked out hard, gotten a few things organized, caught up on The Sopranos, did laundry, and am just generally laying low. Tomorrow night I have plans to have dinner at Wolfgang Puck's Source restaurant in the Newseum, which should be amazing! I think I'l dress up :)

The condo situation is moving ahead. Since finding the place that I LOVE we have been jumping through a few bureaucratic hoops but it looks like things will work out. I have the counter-offer, which is acceptable to me (we offered in such a way that allowed room for a counter-offer) and I will hopefully be signing that in the next few days. Then we can move ahead with all the inspections, reviewing the condo association rules, etc.

If this comes through I will be terribly excited except for one thing. I. Hate. Moving. I hate packing all my shit and moving all my shit. It makes me feel like I have SO MUCH CRAP. And even though I am going to get rid of a few things before I move, I know I'll still feel anxious about the sheer amount of possessions I've accumulated in my life.

Oh well. It will be a necessary evil to endure to have a home of my own.

Fatigue

Lately I have been exhausted and it's really frustrating and I don't know why.

I am taking two-hour naps after work. Skipping workouts. Struggling to stay awake at my desk.

I'm not staying up terribly late, I'm eating well. Not working out as much (see above).

It's not just tiredness, either. It's the kind of exhaustion where if you sit still you can actually feel your body trying to repair itself the way it would when you sleep.

I'm very frustrated. I want to work out and run and swing kettlebells. I want to have time and energy for my family and friends.

I noticed today that I have three magazines on the coffee table that I haven't read. That is really unusual for me - I love my magazine subscriptions and ordinarily read them all immediately after they arrive.

Maybe I have been more busy than I think. I don't know. I can't really remember what I've done this week.

Eggs

Faithful readers of IaJtbH will know that I am very particular about the way I cook eggs. I have studied and practiced different techniques with great success. Well, on Monday night a Baltimorean friend of mine told me about a delicious fried egg he was served at a friend's house in Manhattan. A poach/fry combination; I was intrigued. Seeing as it's pretty bare-bones in my kitchen right now, I decided to scrape together two eggs, a whole wheat pita, and some parmesan cheese and give it a shot.

I buttered a small skillet and, while it was heating, split a pita and put it under the broiler to toast. I cracked two eggs into the skillet, poured in just enough water to sort of float the eggs, and covered them. They cooked for about 2 minutes maybe (on very low heat - no flipping involved) while my pita turned a perfect golden brown. I could tell the eggs were done when the yolks had a cooked film over them. I salted the pita, slid the eggs onto one half, grated the cheese over the eggs to melt, put the top on my sandwich, and dove in.

PERFECTION. The whites were cooked through, soft but done, with absolutely no trace of the gross brown crust that can develop along the edges. The yolks were soft on the first bite but carryover cooking finished them off as I was eating. (I prefer slightly hard yolks just for neatness sake.)

A poached/fried egg sandwich on toasted whole wheat pita with parmesan cheese. Breakfast for dinner. Doesn't get any better than that.

Goals for the Week

I've been eating well lately and I feel good, but a bit flabby. Also, I have a 5k coming up this Saturday, and my scheduled time off from running has been going really well... sooo... this week I need to re-think some things and make some very specific goals for myself.

1. Run three times. Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Three miles each time, no matter the weather or how I feel. The race is for a good cause and I'm not looking for time, I just want to finish and feel good.

2. Yoga twice. Tuesday and Friday.

3. Weight on running days. Kettlebell and free weights.

4. Eat carefully. I'm not going to strive for 100% clean eating because that sort of thinking always backfires for me. One mistake and I've failed to meet the goal - after which I say "to hell with it" and start shoveling junk down my throat. Rather, I'll strive for 100% clean eating at meals and one small junky snack per day. That could be a muffin in the morning, a hot chocolate, an ice cream sandwich. Something small. And only one per day. That way, I don't undo all my progress and don't feel deprived.

Incorporating sweets into my diet helps me stay on track. When things are forbidden I suddenly want them. When they're allowed, they lose their luster and I can take them or leave them.

Anxious

I took a nap after work today so I would have a better chance of staying up to watch the 10:30pm hockey game, and when I woke up I felt anxious, irritated, and sad. I haven't been able to shake those feelings.

My work computer got all messed up after I took it in for the IT guy to do some work. He fixed one thing but now the computer won't recognize the wireless device, so I'm back to using the crappy PC that I am about ready to donate. I need that laptop to be able to connect to the internet so I can work from home. Hopefully it can get fixed tomorrow.

The Red Wings aren't doing very well in this playoff round, and that stresses me out.

I've been staying up half the night watching the games, going to sleep and waking up disappointed, running all over town looking at condos and sitting for cats, not getting enough sleep or downtown and my mind is spinning a million miles a minute.

I have full plans most weekends in May which is stressing me out because I am a person that requires a lot of unstructured time in order to be at my best, and usually that time comes on the weekends.

I put an offer on a condo today and am stressed out that it will be accepted, I'm stressed out that it won't be accepted.

I'm stressed out in general.

A New Leaf

So I've been thinking a lot about my fitness and nutrition and I think that taking the summer off of running really means that I am evolving in terms of how I see exercise and food and my own health.

I've been hanging out over at Skwigg's blog and this post really spoke to me. I hear a lot about intuitive eating and it's usually embedded with touchy feely new-agey innuendo that I only roll my eyes at. But lately I've been giving it a shot in some really practical ways, and I've found myself proud.

What it boils down to for me is just slowing down and trying to think of what I really need when I go to eat something. Yes - sometimes I WANT chocolate, or ice cream, or a slice of bread pudding that someone brought into the office today (heh), and that's fine. Wanting to eat something for the sake of wanting to taste it is valid. I'm not going to over-analyze it. But when it's really obvious like I'm bored, or I'm lonely, or I'm stressed - then I'm definitely going to acknowledge that and come up with an alternate means of meeting that need, such as going for a walk during the day, taking a nap, making a hot cup of tea, or calling a friend.

So far my new kettlebell routine along with this new way of handling my diet has been great for me. Someone brought me chocolate today and whereas before I would have eaten the whole thing for fear that it would be wasted, I broke off one square and enjoyed it - after getting a few other things done first. The chocolate is not my master. It's not going anywhere. And I enjoyed it a lot more because I wasn't left with massive feelings of guilt and anxiety and trying to calculate what I'd have to do to burn the calories I just ingested.

Food is a lot more fun when it's for pleasure and fuel and not stress. Always a work in progress though - for me at least.

But I am learning to eat and enjoy everything without micro-managing my food intake.

Whew

So I posted a whole rant about the condo search and it got erased by some weird blogger glitch.

GRR.

I don't feel like recreating it. All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed and wait for the hockey game to come on.

Whew

Okay - I was able to restore my lost post:

"Looking at condos is hard work, emotionally. It is hard to walk into a place and try to imagine what your life might be like living there. To look at every inch of a place and list pros and cons and try to anticipate what you can and can't tolerate, what might come up when you sell down the line, how to make something work for you that isn't perfect, wonder if you're rationalizing, caution yourself against hurrying, resist the urge to pass because you're SURE something a LITTLE better is right around the corner.

At some point you have to CTFU and make the best decision you can with the inventory and funds that are available.

I saw a beautiful condo yesterday and then stayed up half the night worrying about stupid details and wondering how I could arrange my furniture.

Now I am exhausted and still have a few more hours left on my tour. All I want to do is go home, open the window, and crawl into bed for a nap."

Now that I've napped and eaten, I feel better. To respond to Lorna, I actually prefer to walk into a building and HATE the condo. That is easy! It's when I'm lukewarm that I second guess myself.